hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
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Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
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It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that