i think i have two assholes
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
