shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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