PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
