Don't make out with my wife yet
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
