i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
