yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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