My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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