My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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