you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
