When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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