It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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