My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
