ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
