I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She announced her abortion via fbk
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
