i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just pee around me
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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