dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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