i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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