Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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