im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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