I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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