the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
