Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
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Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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