somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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