I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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