so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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