I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
