my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She told me I should be a condom model.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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