Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
