if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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