then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
