I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
