My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
