I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
