It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
