Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
