Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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