My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
