my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
