We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
