Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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