I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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