I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
