how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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