i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
