What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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