I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
