the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Randomize
