it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
