eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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