I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
