Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
