I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize