two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
