My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
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