I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
