I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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