Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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