true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
